nonsense trash ...

the angel of death is playing tricks on me again. he played with my mind last night. I had a dream, several days ago, that somebody whose face i cannot see, whispered to me, to be careful about july 6. I could pass away or something like that. It was pretty good timing, I felt really sad that day. So lonely, and alone. I was alone at home. Just takin a nap. It was probably one of those times when not one in this whole wide world ever thought about me. Not one of the not so many people I know. I was so alone. And so I cheked the calendar. July 6 was coming. Instead of getting scared, I got excited. Not about dying, but about the adventure waiting for me. I was never afraid to die. I am the only one in our area who talk about death so freely. There was one time my favorite song was playing on winamp, and my mother was there beside me, just relaxing and sweeping the floor. She was listening to the song, "Light and Shade" and she told me, "dong, chada na og lyrics" and I answrd, "Oo ma, paborito nako na, mao na ipatukar kung mamatay na ko ha. ayaw kalimot." I dnt knw why i said that, but after I told her that, her calm face became so red, and She was punching and just hitting me with all the hardest violence. She cried. I didnt knw what to do. All the people around me just does that. They keep quiet when i start talkin about death or the end of days. I talk about it just like normal talk. I dnt know why.

i remember several empty days and mysteriously silent evenings playing with death. id go on journeys or walk around the city ... all by myself. I hear death call me like im his close friend. There was a time in my life when i told myself im not afraid to die. I was walking alone near gaston park when some drunks approached me. One told me he wants a fight. I smiled, I didnt mind him. I threw 2 coins in the river and walked ryt thru them. I cudv died if i stayed a minute longer. I think the other one had a knife behind his pants. But nah, drunk people do stupid things. So I jsut let them be. They probably need sleep. hehe. If it was my time, then so be it. I can just die for somebody i care for, but I wudnt wanna kill myself for no good reason at all. I can die for others, but i guess id never kill myself just to get what i want. I am not afraid to die. Inside my mind i told myself that. But death has a way of looking inside people's minds and souls. Ad death will come running to confirm. And so hard to notice, that he's already around me, and when i look into my right or to my left i see things. I feel things. I feel death so near me. And so I try to walk around lookin for something to do. While I walk I sometimes think about what i did, if it was now ok to just die ... to just drop dead. And when i think that nobody is there for me, I think its ok to die. And almost always when i think this way, I see this man in need of help, or this old lady who needs to cross a busy street or somebody or something i need to fix. I hate it, but they get me everytime. One time, I was drinkin red bull at the crossing,, when i noticed this old woman ... and for no particular reason i put aside my drink and try to help out. Hold this old woman, and help her cross the street, ask her nicely where she's going. She is so old and trembling ... i can feel her arms tremble everytime she takes a step. She points to a "trisikad" and so I call one. And tell the driver to take her to where she's going. And before they leave she asks me, "Salamat dong, asa man ka padung ...?" "Thank you little boy, but where are you going?) and i just smile ... and I tell her ... "Bisan asa lang manang... cge na. =) " (Anywhere ...) And then after that, I keep on askin myself why id did that. I thought some drunk car driver might smash that old lady if she is that slow crossing a street. I almost died that same street, that same junction. Maybe that's why I think about weird stuff when im there. She can barely see where she's goin. It was probably that. But then tt was probably one of those movies I saw, or comic books ive read about my favorite childhood superhero spiderman. Savin all those in need, and loving a girl who doesnt know whom to really love. Let me tell you a secret, I want to be a hero. Somebody who has no name. Somebody who is me, but who can never be connected to my real identity. Somebody nobody knows. Im just blabbering here, but I havent really thought about last night. Several hurts that night . . . to feel happy and sad at the same time.

I really thought i was gonna die for reasons i do not know. Some stupid dream. No aother reason. To just fade away. All my life I said I am not afraid to die. But last night, i tell you,... I was. I had a feeling that i would. But I didnt want to tell or talk much about it. I just left messages to some. Just in case. I waited. I went walking around the city, remembering things that made me happy and made me so sad at the same time. Remembering times when I felt sad I couldnt share the happiness that I have saved for somebody, and it all just turns to sadness ... When people say they don't know where theyd go to be happy, when in fact they know where theyll be ... Its just that they don't really want to go there. They choose to be sad, thinkin they have no choice. About why some people do that, I do not know. I dnt knw...

I saw the city lights at night. I remember how I loved this city. How I wish I could do something for this city before i go, to help this city and the people living in it. To do something for future generations. To thank the city who sheltered me ...

I went to see the parks. I went around to see the evening. To feel the breeze. I went to see the lights by the river. And went home.

I felt my heartbeat changed last night. And I can still feel it this morning. It feels like the heartbeats i get when I drink too much coffee. I thought itd go away. but unfortunately its here to stay. or is it too early to say that. hehe.

The premonition I got for july 6 was not probably about dying that day, but a warning about a heart failure sometime in the future that would shut me down for good. or perhaps something else. It could mean something else. or it was nothing. nothing at all. hehe. But yeah, who knows when. Nobody knows when we will die. I should not think about it. I dnt know what you guys think, but this is me, and Im used to thinkin this way. Its ok. Its not like i want to die or be suicidal. Im not into that. These thoughts come to me, they pass by my mind. I'll learn from them. I should learn from them ...

I shudv stayed home, but I went out ... to meet a very important person. and after the meeting i went around the city to see for myself what was in store for me that day...

I was afraid. I try not to think about it. I was so afraid about a lot of things.

I cried that day.

That day, was yesterday. It was just like everyday.

When I die. Nobody would know about it. Not even me.
I'll just... die of course.




Live free. Love free.




[m]